Friendships: How To Avoid Or Ruin Them

word junkies, my empty buddy-list.

my empty buddy-list, word junkies.

now that we've all met each other and exchanged less than enthusiastic glances, i can most certainly begin to word vomit into your gaping anus-like ear holes.

it takes a special kind of person to avoid and/or ruin friendships and the possiblities of such things to arise. it just so happens that my certificate of authenticity is currently being shipped to me via UPS-Ground. yes, i google'd it and applied for a "Friendship Avoidance Mastery" certificate.

(yes, google'd it. have your credentials ready)

to say i'm "thrilled" is a vast understatement.

yes indeed, it does take a special kind of person, or persons, to avoid friendship building. those same people also have the almost comic-book super-human ability to ruin their friendships for whatever reason they see fit. i'm not going to say i'm the GRAND MASTER, considering it's a five way tie between: Adolf Hitler, AIDS, Osama Bin Laden, Sarah Palin & Cancer.

"well, what kind of credentials do you think make you worthy of such a title as "Friendship Avoidance Master"? i ask you, faceless blogger of crude humor and offensive language, how worthy are you?"

oh, you polite little pussy fart, i'm so happy you asked such a loaded Young Republican styled question.

the things that make me worthy of such a title are varied and spread out over a long period of time. some of this was as a child but most of it i like to refer to as "High School...And Just After". i can name a few if you'd prefer.

"Friendship Avoidance Master" Credentials:

#1. i suffocated and absorbed my twin while in utero and stole all of his potential.
just like highlander, there can be only one.

#2. i fell out of a tree at age 10 and died. i pissed off everyone and everything on the other side and was "escorted" back into my still waiting, lifeless child body.

#3. lost my virginity to a wonderful young girl. after the whole awkward ordeal was over i told her:
"i really should've re-thought this whole 'choosing you' thing. too late now i guess."

#4. poked fun at, hazed, verbally abused, imasculated, defeminized and psychologically traumatized countless people just because i knew i could and that it would be fun for me.

...and to ME, the crowning moment.
(i caused this to happen, in public, behind a club in down-town RVA)

#5. used the tactics of "#4" to push a zen buddhist to the point where he, completely and honestly, wanted to resort to violence and physically "tee-off" with me.

yes my word junkies, new and old, i have earned all the scorn and disgust that comes along with my title and certificate. it took years of not giving enough of a fuck to impregnate a micro-organism. sure, i could've pasted on my smile to be genuinely nice, happy and down-right cheery, however, my smile better served me by being a facade, to lull people into a false sense of security, so that i could take them apart piece by piece.

sure, i have a few friends. thats the ideal part of it all. few friends.

the less people you have as friends the better. you will know these friends and how they are less likely to cave under some diluted sense of commradery. these are people you should want to have around when you end up on Intervention, the realest people who will spill it out to you and give zero ground because they REALLY ARE friends.

i have few friends because of a few good reasons:

#1. most people don't like blatant honest. the kind of honesty saved for children with a half melted face.

#2. generally, i have no problem turning your problems into YOUR problems. don't be an adult who cries for help on everything, all the time. you will regret it, i promise you that.

#3. most people get fed up and go off the deep end. that is super for me: i now know you're weak and i don't need that kind of friend. a strong friend will laugh in your face and walk away because they ahve better things to do, and you both know it.

#4. i hate clingy people who want to be around all the time. my friends don't do that because they know about "boundries" and "personal space". clingy people don't good friends for this reason.

so, there you have it.

a bunch of random slop about friendship and the "do's and don'ts".

after all, who else wants to be "that guy" who pushed a zen buddhist toward violence? it's a pretty heavy weight to carry around (yeah right) and no one else should have to know that kind of burden (bullshit).

enjoi your REAL friends

...and...

start alienating those who are NOT.

Friend Requesting Jack Schitt,

Dax.