without fail, it will happen again, just as it has every year. Corrin is growing older with me but trapped in the body of a child, she grows older in intellect and knowledge, also, she grows more bitter and jealous of this world that she can only minutely participate in. every time i see her bored expression it sends chills down my spine, i can feel her breaking down and becoming less enthralled with being merely a glimmer in the corner of one's eye.
Corrin haunts the soil steps behind me, following her strongest connection to what she once was and never will be again. misery has set in on her like a plague and i feel it spreading into me and out into the world.
i have become a conduit for her emotional outbursts of rage and disgust, loneliness and longing, her every emotion that she can no longer show on her own.
autumn has settled into the view of the world and that fated day comes closer, and with it, my annual test of her boiling point. "when is this day going to be over?! shouldn't i have been long gone by now?! see, there is no fucking God, i'm all the proof anyone could ever fucking need!" we were once friends and she was amazingly excited about life, as it seemed. now, she is the eternal child who longs for adulthood without ever getting to see it from her own point of view. she watches and scoffs at everything and everyone. spiteful comments spew out of her mouth from every direction: "for the love of fucking Christ, is he seriously taking this long to ring up your shit? does he have Polio?!"
i muster a laugh when she curses the world, with her tiny voice, using profanity and obscenity like a seasoned professional. she comes and goes as she pleases, hidden from my ears and eyes when she's upset with the fact that i'm laughing at her, not with her. mind you, she only still looks like a child, she has aged mentally and emotionally and has no problem letting me know it. "i'm just as capable of explaining these things to you as you are to me. i'm not a goddamn child anymore, so stop laughing you fucking prick!" the more i think about how right she is, the more hilarious it becomes: she is indeed just as capable, for a dead girl.
it wasn't that long ago that i tried, to no avail, to seek her out in her own plane of existence. she stayed in the shadows, or abyss, or whatever it is and would only speak to me as if she were some infinite source of knowledge. she told me, "you should've seen your face, it was priceless! seriously though, what were you thinking?!" she pulled a prank on me in that place beyond this world and i fell for it full force. i sunk into a sense of failure and she, the eternal doll, jumped around and laughed about it for days, often with an out stretched finger pointed at me with a look of mock terror. Corrin is the devil's advocate, i'm almost 100% sure of it after that.
this year will be the 15th time that i will have to endure that wreckage, engulfed in flames, and see how she spent her final minutes in pure agony. i asked her last year if it was "under her control" or if it was just "something that happens" against both our wishes. she stared at me like i was asking her if the sky was blue. "well, i can tell you i didn't exactly get a handbook or an instruction manual. i sure as hell didn't get an orientation. this isn't beetlejuice."
the years have come and gone, she has not. this year, like all the others, she took me by my shivering hand and walked me to what is now "our" demise. the slow, agony that we now share for what i'm sure will be an eternity. Corrin's serrated smile lurks behind me, ahead of me and over me. she is the eternal child, with the mind of a woman, who longs for life even though the one she had was painful and worth ending, or so it would seem to me. the nights grow longer and the shadows and shades extend their arms out toward me, reminding me, that Corrin is there ready to pop into my life and riddle me with tired laughter, the spewing of new found atrocities of speech and her eyes that have grown so old yet still look so young and vibrant.
slivers of sunshine tip-toe through the mist of her skin, the darkness now haunting her eyes like she haunts me. Corrin watches, waits, converses and astounds me. even to this day.
autumn has settled into the view of the world and that fated day comes closer, and with it, my annual test of her boiling point. "when is this day going to be over?! shouldn't i have been long gone by now?! see, there is no fucking God, i'm all the proof anyone could ever fucking need!" we were once friends and she was amazingly excited about life, as it seemed. now, she is the eternal child who longs for adulthood without ever getting to see it from her own point of view. she watches and scoffs at everything and everyone. spiteful comments spew out of her mouth from every direction: "for the love of fucking Christ, is he seriously taking this long to ring up your shit? does he have Polio?!"
i muster a laugh when she curses the world, with her tiny voice, using profanity and obscenity like a seasoned professional. she comes and goes as she pleases, hidden from my ears and eyes when she's upset with the fact that i'm laughing at her, not with her. mind you, she only still looks like a child, she has aged mentally and emotionally and has no problem letting me know it. "i'm just as capable of explaining these things to you as you are to me. i'm not a goddamn child anymore, so stop laughing you fucking prick!" the more i think about how right she is, the more hilarious it becomes: she is indeed just as capable, for a dead girl.
it wasn't that long ago that i tried, to no avail, to seek her out in her own plane of existence. she stayed in the shadows, or abyss, or whatever it is and would only speak to me as if she were some infinite source of knowledge. she told me, "you should've seen your face, it was priceless! seriously though, what were you thinking?!" she pulled a prank on me in that place beyond this world and i fell for it full force. i sunk into a sense of failure and she, the eternal doll, jumped around and laughed about it for days, often with an out stretched finger pointed at me with a look of mock terror. Corrin is the devil's advocate, i'm almost 100% sure of it after that.
this year will be the 15th time that i will have to endure that wreckage, engulfed in flames, and see how she spent her final minutes in pure agony. i asked her last year if it was "under her control" or if it was just "something that happens" against both our wishes. she stared at me like i was asking her if the sky was blue. "well, i can tell you i didn't exactly get a handbook or an instruction manual. i sure as hell didn't get an orientation. this isn't beetlejuice."
the years have come and gone, she has not. this year, like all the others, she took me by my shivering hand and walked me to what is now "our" demise. the slow, agony that we now share for what i'm sure will be an eternity. Corrin's serrated smile lurks behind me, ahead of me and over me. she is the eternal child, with the mind of a woman, who longs for life even though the one she had was painful and worth ending, or so it would seem to me. the nights grow longer and the shadows and shades extend their arms out toward me, reminding me, that Corrin is there ready to pop into my life and riddle me with tired laughter, the spewing of new found atrocities of speech and her eyes that have grown so old yet still look so young and vibrant.
slivers of sunshine tip-toe through the mist of her skin, the darkness now haunting her eyes like she haunts me. Corrin watches, waits, converses and astounds me. even to this day.
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