A Little Laughing Never Hurt

So, as we all know I wrote up a little PSA about white girls, touching on a few of the varieties. If you've forgotten view the following For Reference.

As I'm sure we all know, it isn't my style to be tactful or care if someone gets offended. Point blank, offensive language and behavior is my forte...(no, not the near microscopic KIA car).

One of the people who reads this, at least semi-regularly, asked me this question: "Well, what kind of white girl am I?"

She set herself up to be eaten alive by the wild, ferocious animal, that is Americanus Sarcastia Misanthropus. For those not fluent in ridiculous asshole, that is my rude and down right cruel bloggification styling (to put it "Dubbayly..ly").

It went well, as i shut her the fuck up after ultimately telling her "we don't have to be enemies, but we can not be friends, at least right now, as NO ONE looks good in "holding my breath" blue. I will be quasi-chaotic neutral in shielding her full name from the public, as it is better to anti-promote someone by never using their name. Dehumanize them, then become them.

Here are her test results:

To Whom It May Concern,

It seems you signed up for the official "What Kind Of White Girl Am I?" test results to be sent to your email. To verify, your first and middle name are as follows:

A**** *****e

If this is not you, please discard this email.






What Kind Of White Girl Am I?



Calculated She-Guy
"It's Always The Idea That Counts?"



This white girl is how she sounds. She is, indeed-alee-doo, a man chick. She thinks of men like cuts of meat, not just for sex but for entertainment at large. This breed of cream cheese broadness is playing chess with the guys in her life, moving them in and out of direct conflict with each other, to see which one wants to act "chivalrous" enough to eventually be dropped by her, due to her lack of interest at absolute conquest.

Have you heard the age old addage of "It's the thought that counts"? You have? Good!

With this white girl it is ONLY the thought that counts. You can do everything right, everything wrong, everything half-assed OR nothing at all, and when you get close enough she begins to regret choosing you as her rook. The fact that you actually WANT her, want to be with her, will cause her to become immediately (and drasticly) far less interested in you than before. Yes, thats right: just when you think it's over and you've proven your worth (which you may have), you will left alone while she, The Calculated She-Guy, goes roaming for some other stooge who will rinse and repeat everything you just did. Twice.

So, in conclusion, The Calculated She-Guy is a white girl who acts like a preppy rich boy who toys with the less attractive girls for some stupid high-school bet. Interested in you for what seems like love, but will eventually manifest as for fun or for kicks. Yes, she will be just like the female version of that guy from the movie "She's All That".

Freddie Prince Junior: eat your heart out. You've never done it this well, even in your wildest dreams.

Now, we have exchanged a few emails since the original results were sent. She claims, as most people would, "I've changed, you should get to know me now".

Fuck that. You're a mega-douche, and a lying fucktard.

Get bent.

When In Doubt: Kill Yourself

While at work, doing my delightful little duties, I am so fucking fortunate to have the pleasure of working with some of the greatest wastes of genetic material known to man.

BEWARE THE POWER OF STUPIDITY IN THE WORKPLACE.

One special douche-nozzle in my personal work space has 2 part time jobs (the one with me & the one with his daddy). This guy is what some of us in the biz might refer to as "a pretentious, spoiled little white boy".

Yes, it is fully understood that I am of the pastey color spectrum, but my ghetto antics show me in a darker shade. So fucking what, I'm an American Mutt & proud of it.

Eventually, if we keep screwing one another, we wil all be beige.

So, this well off little bed sheet stain, has the mental agility of a small soap dish: without the bubble crust from previous use. His idea of working is coming in and asking obvious questions while moping around pretending to do the job he is being paid to do. More often than not, the new school of so called employees, will make this their primary means of stealing money that you rightly deserve.

Keep in mind this mobile pussy-fart came to interview for the job in a 2 door, hard topped convertible Benz. Also know that this is, and I quote from sources close to him, "the cheapest car owned in his family".

Haters goin' hate.

Yeah, I'm a hater because I actually work hard for the shitty things I have. Yeah, I hate the fact that this cream cheese baby canker sore (in a tube) was spoon-fed a fucking european sports car as a graduation gift.

There is something seriously wrong with the world.

I can assure you with 98% certainty that the ridiculous bastard in question has little to no common sense, no clue about what the real world holds, isn't going to know hardship and most certainly will always be scraping by on elementary school thought patterns and his ability to buy his friends instead of being adored for his manliness & work ethic.

I sure hope I get to see him in Hell, because I will make it so much worse for him when we meet again.

Location : 5720 Gulfstream Rd, Richmond International Airport (RIC), Richmond, VA 23250,

For The F*cking Record!!!

there are few times when you come into contact with someone who you've never met, not even once, who makes you smile no matter how fucked up the world is around you. they may have some random photo, video, status update or information that just makes your fucking day that much more worth making it through.

i have a select few and, in the wee (lolz) hours of this morning i wish to share one with the world, as it pertains to me.

it is my humble pleasure to introduce the one, the only, the uber awesome:

Beth Strange.



Beth "Krucifixation/Terror Twin" Strange



wait, i KNOW what you're thinking:

#1. "there is no way she is real. she has to be made the fuck up!"

um...absolutely motherfucking not. she is indeed very real and very awesome, as i've already said.

#2. "dude, she's fucking hot. i mean like model hot, fucking amazingly hot!!!"

well, thank you captain obvious. also, i think the word(s) you're looking for are as follow:

beautiful

photogenic as a motherfucker

adorable

attractive

hilarious

a clown (no seriously, there are videos)

stunning

very easy on the eyes

amazingly multi-talented

gorgeous

*drools*

yeah, Beth Strange is a model, performance artist, make-up artist, photographer, music lover, poet & all american southern badass who will gladly kill you for whiskey and tickets to see Dax Riggs. speaking of the two of them in the same sentence:

Beth Strange & Dax Riggs

now i know why i ended up being in small amounts of contact with this epic woman. my myspace name was/is "daxiarose", which if you piece it out is "dax i arose". to put it simply dax lifts me up. his music alone can move the world and change your outlook on things, anything really. he's a southern madman with a velvet voice. lord willin' he'll never die, just stay killing it.

so, back to Beth.

this woman has a heart bigger than texas and loves her close friends like no one can, take that as scientific fact. she is a big fucking kid, having fun whenever she can and letting the world view the retardation that will surely ensue, which in most cases, comes with a collage and photo album to match. she hangs with the bands we all wish we knew. she makes jaws drop, tents pitch and peoples' heads explode under the tremendous energy and power she throws into the vortex we have named the world.

if you know her personally: you have the scars to prove it and you show them with pride.

if you know her from the web (as i do): you await the randomness she is bound to toss your way, laughing like an idiot when you see the stills of the fun parts of her life.

alas, not every day can be filled with drunken meandering and the fucking hilarious.

i know recently she has had a rough time, to say the least. it's not my place to ask a shitload of questions about things that don't concern me. it definitely not my place to play mother therapist to her and try to solve her problems and offer long distance advice.

i can only offer up stupid shit for her to read and, hopefully, enjoy enough to just pull her mouth into a smirk, even if it is for a spilt second in the midst of the shit-storm that may come crashing down around her.

SOOOO......

i just felt it was needed to say that Beth Strange is a down south, funny as hell, tough as nails, drop dead gorgeous and absolutely outrageous woman who is worthy of having a national holiday in her honor.

Bethy Boop, just know that you are and always will be appreciated.

Adventures In Fucktard Land

hello again, welcome back to "getting your ass handed to you" weekly.

why is it that facebook is a breeding ground for the lackluster, cocksucking dipshit that should've been sprayed on the backs of the prostitution population?

why are people, namely hefty white bitches, always quick to run their fucking jabs on the internet while hiding behind their feloneous boyfriends?

ladies and gentlemen of the sarcastic & misanthropic jury:

 i hate white people, especially white girls who think they're grown up and gangster, thug, or street.

i strongly suggest you take notice of the following:

YES I CALLED YOUR BOYFRIEND A SHOULD BE ABORTION BECAUSE IT'S TRUE!

the truth hurts like the first time you bend your dick while fucking, get over it.

i have been told several things about the person in question:

drug dealer

verbal abuser

felon

asshole

dipshit

walking cum stain

loser

wasted DNA strand in baggy jeans

so, his now girlfriend sent me some ridiculous message on facebook telling me that i had no right to say "crap like that" and that if i am going to call someone an abortion i should "take a look in the mirror".

prepare for liftoff...

#1. it's not an "if" issue, it's an "i already fucking did so go dodge the small cars in traffic, you idiot" issue.

#2. i have every right to say anything i want on facebook because it is a social networking site built for people to spread their life out on the web like a poorly shot porno. the freedom of speech still works there. it's sad that i had to state that obvious fact.

#3. i already don't give a heap of motherfucking shit what you think about what i said about your boyfriend. everyone has an opinion and they are all like assholes: they stink all the time. go fuck yourself. i'm sure you say things other people don't like, or that offend other people. if you don't, then you're not saying something worth saying so shut your mouth or end yourself, with bleach.

#4. if you don't like something, ignore it. you obviously don't think it's true/nice/proper/okay, so just act like you didn't see it, or pretend it's something with more unicorns and rainbows. you're an over-active internet user and wasting what little time you have getting your pussy cloth in a knot.

take a xanax, or five, and chill yourself the fuck out.

#5. telling someone "i dare you to say it to his face" over the internet just proves you didn't think out your comment too well, considering you told me to go face to face with someone...while on the internet. you have not yet thought outside of the box. you're losing so hard, already.

so in conclusion....

Toni Turkal, age 28, from round-about Henrico County Virginia:

YOU WASTED ALL OF YOUR LOUSY, SO-CALLED TALENT GETTING TO THE EGG.

YOU HAVE FLOATED THROUGH LIFE, UN-IMPORTANTLY.

YOU LACK SUBSTANCE, DEPTH, A VOCABULARY & A CLUE.

YOU ARE JUST AS DEAD TO ME...AS SAY...GOD, ALL OF THEM.

so, do the world a favor and keep your suck-hole shut when dealing with the powers that be. after all, as i'm sure you don't know this little fact yet but...

I AM THE DEVIL'S ADVOCATE.

FUCKING WITH THE MINIONS FROM THE SEVEN CIRCLES, THE NINE GATES AND THE BLACKEST DEPTHS OF HELL, IS A SURE FIRE WAY TO END UP BEING DEVOURED BY ACIDIC MAGGOTS FOR ALL ETERNITY.

YOU WILL BE CONSUMED BY THE WORST OF THE WORST. FOREVER.

see you soon, cream cheese.

Love Eternally,

Dax.

Singin' Of Blood Or Love

so in the past couple days I've been redeeming myself in something of a sickly sadistic southern revival of sorts. say that shit five times fast, please do, i dare you like a motherfucker.

welcome to the world of southern comfort on the skids.



Dax Riggs. Wikipedia the guy and become enthralled.

yes, douchies and whores, that is indeed the Dax Riggs.

to fully understand the nature of this beast you must do two things:

#1. know about Acid Bath, Agents of Oblivion, Deadboy & The Elephantmen, Daisyhead & The Mooncrickets, T-Daks & His White Plastic Soul.

#2. have listened to any of the above in some REAL, long lasting capacity.

if you work in some fucked up, oppressively hot, fully un-intelligent joke of a workplace, then you know that music can be a great motivational tool. it's something that can keep your head in the game and your hands from around someone's throat.

believe me, i was there yesterday and thats why i'm putting this out there the way that i am.

Buy this CD, throw it in your deck and just be.

yes, i already know how beautiful and sexy that artwork is. it's one of my top five cd covers. "We Sing Of Only Blood Or Love" is a compelling, dark, romantic, bluesy motherfucking album that will take the back roads to your house, kidnap your mind and then drag it down through the grittiest parts of louisiana and georgia, leaving you drunk on the melodies and high on the words that pour in from the throat of a madman.

this is more than just a collection of rough and rowdy tunes that make you wish you could spend your life in the southern seedy bars you only see on made for tv crime shows. this is a soundtrack of deep south hymns made for living it up in the devil's shadow, keeping pace with the leafless trees of fall, knocking back beers with local crazies and just having the best time & night of your life.


here are two of my (many) personal favorites:

"The Terrors Of Nightlife"

I laid all I own at the devil's feet
And I have placed a rose between the angel's teeth
Night lay beside me, night lay beside me
I wish you could hear what I hear when I'm out there
The stars all seem to burn
And scream into the atmosphere
Night lay beside me, night lay beside me
May grief fall away like leaves from the trees
May grief fall away like leaves from the trees
And night lay beside me, only night lay beside me


AND THEN....AND THEN....AND THEN....



"Ouroboros"

The wilderness and all its thorns
Tangled up around my horns
I ain't got time to die tonight
Climbing the stars
Into the midnight hours
The serpent is eating itself

My heart is on fire
With its death and desire
I ain't got time to die
Climbing the stars
Into the midnight hours
The serpent is eating itself

The serpent is eating itself
The serpent is eating itself

Tonight I ain't got time to die


so as the summer sun beats down on the dirt under our feet and around our shitty neighborhoods, i can only hope i won't be the only one buckling down, getting the bullshit shoveled and loving the Dax, in all of his morbid glory.

Night Is The Notion And We Are The Explosion.

The Sting Of Reality

well then, how has the silence been? good? delightful.

well people, i have some rather, what's the word, RE-DONK-ULOUS news:

there is indeed...in all reality...a quasi-awesome...published book on the way from us (my friend & i) to you. that is if you so choose to spend your hard earned monies upon it. so please, buy our textual annomalies or suffer from fatal ignorance and boredom. you can only watch so much porn and adult swim*.

in other news:

today was a prime example of why my misanthropic nature is absolutely okay...for the most part.

so there was a new face in the work place today, a new leathery tan face. this walking abortion spent zero time talking to the people that may be her work staff. she spent next to zero time exploring the location and it's tools, that may be at her disposal in the near future. no ladies and gent's, she spent very little time becoming intertwined with the people and things that could be her's for the taking, like a ravenous mage stealing power.

instead, she proceeded to eyeball fuck me like i said i was into kinky sex, which i didn't, in any fashion.

alright people i know i have: a gnarly beard, 7/8 inch earholes, visible tattoos and rarely smile, but that is no reason to stink eye me the VERY FIRST TIME you see and meet me, at the same time.

this idiotic ass-hat, who is a front runner for management mind you, had the outrageous lack of common sense to divert her eyes from someone who may have (may...fuck that definitely) shocked the fake-n-bake out of her cowhide face. oh, i'm sorry, does everyone you see in your daily life look the picture of mediocrity, all the time?! if she can answer that question with a yes, then i feel like she is a sheltered twat who lacks depth and adventure. she is the missionary position in carnate.

sad, completely fucking sad i say.

in any case, i bit my tongue, filled my face with a smile and shook her hand and said "good afternoon". it wasn't hard to do this simple task, considering i deal with this on a regular basis, despite the gaggle of television shows that feature people who are, to say the least, "different" in their appearance. come on, am i the only one who has watched anything other than the variety of disney channels?! am i seriously?

so, worldly folks amongst me, believe me when i say THIS:

most people are the all singing, all dancing, shit of the world, all of the time.

the truth hurts, so deal with it OR load up on vicodin and keep on reading.

Dax

PS: this broad better hope she has a hell of a personality, otherwise, she's a deer in the headlights for me.