no, sadly enough you're all wrong: i wasn't really that close to death.
pay up suckers, pay the fuck up.
i was on FB of all places when a good friend posted a status update which read:
"My penis is ______."
so, myself being a vicious ass-hat, i wrote the absolute first thing that came to mind:
"the visual eqivalent of taco's."
by that i meant that it's meaty, hard and almost everyone likes it...except vegans. WELL, this is where i ran into a very awesome amount of trouble. the person who posted damn near right behind me and schooled me is a real live VEGAN WOMAN.
yes, i escaped my end by the skin of my teeth. allow me to copy and paste the results of my insta-post...
Amanda C. "Ahem, as a vegan, I will chime in here with my favorite veggie quote: 'the only meat I eat is between my boyfriend's legs'."
to which i replied:
"okay, i apologize. i have been schooled. thank you. *bows in apologetic way*"
followed by:
"i love the fact that an actual vegan schooled me and it was funny on top of that. yes sare-bear, this status of your's is emmy worthy."
then, my new found female hero added:
Amanda C. "Yes, "actual vegans" are much like the evasive "trouser snake". You always want to point and laugh and make fun of them when you finally come across one, but they're not too bad when you get to know them."
as always, i had to redefine what i meant in my textual activity:
"i have no problem with vegans because they show some fierce self control and foward thinking about the only planet and animals we have to admire. my hat goes off to vegans everywhere. i also used "actual" to set the good aside from the bad.... which are the douche-nozzle fucktard bastard guys who PRETEND to be vegan so they can attempt to bed the ACTUAL vegan woman who is, in 99% of all cases, aboslutely (and naturally) a beautiful and wonderful person."
also, adding to the full explantion about people who don't tolerate vegans, was this:
"those people are backwoods, cancer ridden, mental midget, dumpster babies who have the same information retention capacity of broken condoms. tolerence is a good thing as long as it is sincere. i assure you, my tolerence is just that, sincere."
so, to conclude this little fucktarded diatribe, let me say the following:
i love gays, bi's, lesbians, transgendered, vegans, blind, deaf, hanidcapped and living people of all walks.....
AS LONG AS THEY DON'T USE ANY OF THE ABOVE AS A CRUTCH OR AS A WAY TO STATE THAT THEY ARE BETTER OR WORSE OFF THAN ANYONE ELSE.
i'm sorry, i couldn't give a damn - two fucks OR three squirts of duck shit if you're any of the above and choose to use it as a way to pull at my heart strings or tear me down because you're just as easy to shoot in the face as anyone else. we are all targets for ridicule and judgement. the only way to fix this horrible americanized problem we all exhibit is to put yourself into a better state of mind and get the fuck over it, everyone else AND yourself.
no one is unique: we all have 46 chromosomes and we are easily murdered by high velocity steaming metal. so stop pressing the "you don't understand because i'm (insert excuse here)" button because that shit is motherfucking broken and i'm never calling anyone to repair it for your simple, should've been swallowed, ignorant, lazy bitch ass.
tonight i would like to say to you, my new found VEGAN FEMALE HERO, the following statement:
Amamnda C., you are not only appreciated for your forward thinking and down right 80's power ballad styled ability to leave the animal's unchewed but also respected fully for not keeping your mouth shut when it comes to someone saying something about vegans and veganism. the fact that you took a stand for your lifestyle without a second thought makes me know that the collective intelligence and honor of the world isn't completely lost in the over-hyped bullshit gangsta rap and jersey shore hair product that so pollutes our world.
thank you, Amamnda C., for being a strong as fuck female role model for the ages.
may the little girls of tomorrow become the tough as nails broad you are today.
Dax
I would also like to have the little boys of tomorrow, as well, please. Tack on the asexual, undecided, and genderless folks, and you have a deal!
ReplyDeleteCheers!
you sure are being greedy. do you also want the drooling, wheel-chair confined, brain cripples wetting their knickers and smearing their dead skin trails across the floor?
ReplyDeletetake that set too and it's a deal.