some people may think that you can't get a good dose of wisdom from anyone who isn't older than dirt OR anywhere that isn't unspoiled by humanity.
those people are wrong:
....like giving someone herpes because they gave you AIDS....wrong....
i was looking for one of my favorite shirts the older day, and when i found it, i got the same laugh that i always get out of the particular shirt in question. let me help you first to understand this shirt.....
imagine if you will a standard size "L" black band shirt. on the bottom left side (left because of how the viewer sees the design) is the schematic drawing of an "All Terrain Armored Transport (AT AT Walker)" in white silk screen glory.
while i'm not a star wars fanatic by most means i did think the shit was fucking hot looking. suck it.
on the back of the shirt is a band logo & quote done up like the star wars "Empire Strikes Back" logo...fucking sweet right?! yeah, it is no matter what the fuck you think. suck it twice.
in the center is the band name "The Acacia Strain"
around the logo it states the stone cold fact: "No Remorse For Anything"
....what i'm getting to, after that mild tangent, is this....
while hanging out with a couple friends and recapping the hilarious past we know and love so much, i came upon a story that was so indeed fucked up and horrifying (involving me, a girl & faux gayness with a long time friend) that caused quite a great deal of mental anguish on "the girl".
i still, to this day and all days after, have Z E R O fucking remorse for what happened.
Zee Row, Zip, Ziltch, None, Nada, Abso-FUCKING-lutely no remorse.
....now you get to understand the story/reason i have no remorse for anything....
for some retarded reason i got to be the momentary lustful figure for several girls/women while going through high school. i'm not "tooting my own horn" right now, just stating what is a scary fact. one of these females, who we will re-name "Marta", was by far the most...(new adjective, please)...interesting one that came into my personal space uninvited and lived to tell the old sailors' tale.
she left not long after with a whole new set of, to be nice, "in-house" problems if you catch my drift.
so this "Marta" was hot on my heels and ready to make me a part of her life. sounds wonderful, pleasant even, HOWEVER, as i said before she was "interesting". she got into a heated arguement with a good friend of mine at the time, Caleb, and they proceeded to banter back and forth on instant messenger about me. why, i don't know, but i was filled in and it was indeed funny as a motherfucker. so here is roughly how that went...
Caleb: "so, you like **** huh? thats okay, i guess. has he told you about himself?"
Marta: "yeah i do. what is he supposed to tell me?"
Caleb: "lol, so thats a no then. well, it's really not for me to spill that kind of shit but i will if you want."
Marta: "what the hell are you talking about?"
Caleb: "you know he's gay, right?"
Marta: "okay caleb, don't insult my intelligence. he's not gay. never has been, never will be."
Caleb: "yeah, okay. are you so sure? what do you think we do when we hang out...all the time?"
Marta: "you're an asshole and a liar. **** isn't gay! he's not! i would sense it like yesterday!!"
Caleb: "lmao!!! you have no clue what you're getting into but i know what he won't be getting into. you."
well then. so Caleb instant messenges me and gives me the low down and states this to me:
"Dude, keep this joke going as long as HUMANLY possible! it's going to be brutally awesome!"
...so, being a good friend, i did...
Side Note: the following morning was a "special holiday" and i officially ruined the fuck out of it.
"Marta" arrives at my bus stop early the following morning in her station wagon, the burgundy tank, and proceeded to pick up myself and another friend (who i filled in on the mounting joke at hand) and we tooled on toward our high school and what i was sure, at least that day, was going to be my funeral service.
the car ride to school was absolutely silent, not even the radio was going. it was such a surreal road trip that it should've come with a Johnny Depp voice-over, like Fear & Loathing In Las Vegas.
we arrived in one of the parking lots and "Marta" turned off the car, slowly pivoted toward me and just kind of stared at me like she was trying to search my sould for FABULOUS particles of light. all i could do was sit in anticipation of what could, would or might happen. let the stare down begin.
we sat for a few more minutes and suddenly, without warning, "Marta" screamed at my friend and said only this:
"GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE CAR....NOW!!!"
he stiffled back a huge laugh, masking it as a quasi-clever cough and said this as a reply:
"But...it's really could outside."
"Marta" cut her eyes, like a thousand daggers and her left eye twitched just a little, as if to say "you're already dead to me" and he was already half way to our bus ramp headquarters. i was left alone with her, the seemingly devious and evil, "Marta".
she stared at me again, with an even more intense glare, and said "your presents are in the floorboard." to my udder shock and awe there were SEVERAL wrapped presents.
it was like christmas morning, just before the tree too close to the fireplace goes up like a gasoline pole dancer.
it was time to seal the deal, finish the punchline and let the joke take me where it so desired to take me. at any point i could've called it off and explained everything to "Marta" and maybe (lolz) have spared her emotions and mental stability.
i chose a defined joke over the possible poke.
call me crazy or whatever you will, but sex isn't everything when a super sick joke is at hand.
at least i didn't pull the typical guy card and "hit it then quit it".
that should count for something...right?!
so i did the only thing i could do, say something fucking stupid funny and ridiculous. here's the convo:
Me: "Sweetheart, I can't accept these. I can't keep doing this dance with you."
Marta: "Oh my god! You better be fucking joking."
Me: "I'm not joking, I can't accept these from you. I know you talked to Caleb last night and..."
Marta: "DO NOT insult me. Yeah we talked. He said you & him are gay and thats bullshit!"
Me: "Darling, it's not bullshit, it's the truth and I didn't know how to tell you without you being...like this."
Marta: "Like what? Pissed? Insulted? Angry? I know that YOU are NOT gay! You're NOT!!!"
Me: "Believe what you wish but, sweetie, we're both after the same thing."
i exited the burgundy tank and made haste toward large numbers of people and bright lights. i listened in "Rape Prevention" and did exactly what i was told: run to lights and people then blend in and escape. i got to the bus ramp and judging by the various looks i was gettting, i could tell my friend had spilled his guts with the exception of the "he's not REALLY gay, it's just a really fucked up joke" part.
all of our friends now thought i was a super fab, semi-erotic, absolutely gay man. awesome, kinda.
from out of the mayhem there came a voice like a thousand angels:
"HIDE HIM, SHE'S ON THE RAMPAGE! QUICK, COVER HIM IN BOOKBAGS!!!"
she was indeed on the rampage. it would be acurate to state that she sat in that car for AT LEAST five full minutes and let this horrid information sink into her already fragile mind.
it was like nuclear fall out turning Bruce Banner into The Hulk, Chuck Norris, Henry Rollins and then into a very very, incredibly pissed the fuck off "Marta". she came bounding into the bus ramp area screaming at everyone in range of her:
"WHERE IS HE, WHERE IS HE?? I KNOW HE'S HERE! HE AND I NEED TO TALK ABOUT THIS RIGHT NOW! WHERE THE FUCK IS HE?"
so i hid onder this mountain of bookbags, listening to everyone swear that i had gone unseen. maybe i was at breakfast, in the bathroom, making out with a suave man in the bathroom OR at breakfast. none of these answers were appreciated by "Marta" and she stormed off in search of me: dead or alive.
......SOOO......
even though that event was terrifying and absolutely fucked up on my part, i still have no remorse.
she said it herself: "I know he's not gay." so, why then did she go ape-shit and tear through the high school like a coked up horny gorilla sniffing out a virgin asian school-girl? i don't know.
it surely wasn't because of love considering we weren't dating in any shape, form or fashion.
i think she had never had someone refuse her and i just so happened to be the one to do it and in a HUGE way.
well, that concludes story time kiddies.
enjoi.
D.R.
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